Renee, the friendly coworker with whom I ate too much cheese, has been getting me some stomach friendly items to have around the office, so that I don’t shart* on our Ikea couches.
Anyway, I wanted to take a break from lauding my boyfriend to write Renee a proper thank you note for the food she’s bought, since up until now I’ve mostly been giving her lot of wordless (read: physical) feedback. Here goes!
Dear Renee,
First of all, thanks for buying me this split keyboard using company funds. When I type I feel like I’m driving a spaceship, which makes me feel important.
But what I’m really writing about is the food that’s currently in my stomach. I’ve listed my reactions below, and have sought to explain some of the non-verbal reactions you’ve already witnessed. Because you describe yourself as “type A” I thought it might be helpful if I organized my reactions numerically.
1.) Udi’s gluten free granola is great. Sugary and wonderful. I put extra nuts on mine from our giant office nut bowl and crunch very loudly, moaning intermittently at you from across the room, so that you might comprehend my gratitude. You may have noticed that upon finishing I also make sure to huck the empty bowl on the ground, and then dance on its shards. (This is the tradition of sated and satisfied Norwegian restaurant patrons, and I want you to understand that I do it in tribute to you.)
2.) Glutino English Muffins (or, as it reads on the packaging, Premium Glutino Supreme Sans Gluten Free English Muffins / Muffins Anglais)
Oh my god are you kidding me Renee? Delicious. I was a bit skeptical when I took them out of the bag, because they had the consistency of soggy cornbread. But upon toasting them and adding some peanut butter and jelly, I was pleasantly speechless, delusional with joy, with only enough of my mental faculties intact to throw myself onto your desk, destroying your computer and causing much alarm to the engineers, who up til then had been sitting in a darkened corner of the office speaking softly to their machines, which will one day take over the world.
3.) Goat cheese. This was sweet of you because I know after we went out to drinks that night and you read my post about the repercussions, you wanted to make sure to have cow-free-dairy available at the office (so that I could sink my teeth into something a little easier on “the system”). Conclusion=still farting over here, though, sorry.
Thanks for reading this, and thanks for taking the time to select special food that can be digested by my incompetent body. As always I want to honor our profesh relaysh, so instead of grabbing you by the ears and embracing your head into the warm confines of my subtle bosom, I gave all your hugs to my boyfriend.
You still get some credit though.
Sincerely,
Kathleen
Anyway, I wanted to take a break from lauding my boyfriend to write Renee a proper thank you note for the food she’s bought, since up until now I’ve mostly been giving her lot of wordless (read: physical) feedback. Here goes!
Dear Renee,
First of all, thanks for buying me this split keyboard using company funds. When I type I feel like I’m driving a spaceship, which makes me feel important.
But what I’m really writing about is the food that’s currently in my stomach. I’ve listed my reactions below, and have sought to explain some of the non-verbal reactions you’ve already witnessed. Because you describe yourself as “type A” I thought it might be helpful if I organized my reactions numerically.
1.) Udi’s gluten free granola is great. Sugary and wonderful. I put extra nuts on mine from our giant office nut bowl and crunch very loudly, moaning intermittently at you from across the room, so that you might comprehend my gratitude. You may have noticed that upon finishing I also make sure to huck the empty bowl on the ground, and then dance on its shards. (This is the tradition of sated and satisfied Norwegian restaurant patrons, and I want you to understand that I do it in tribute to you.)
2.) Glutino English Muffins (or, as it reads on the packaging, Premium Glutino Supreme Sans Gluten Free English Muffins / Muffins Anglais)
Oh my god are you kidding me Renee? Delicious. I was a bit skeptical when I took them out of the bag, because they had the consistency of soggy cornbread. But upon toasting them and adding some peanut butter and jelly, I was pleasantly speechless, delusional with joy, with only enough of my mental faculties intact to throw myself onto your desk, destroying your computer and causing much alarm to the engineers, who up til then had been sitting in a darkened corner of the office speaking softly to their machines, which will one day take over the world.
3.) Goat cheese. This was sweet of you because I know after we went out to drinks that night and you read my post about the repercussions, you wanted to make sure to have cow-free-dairy available at the office (so that I could sink my teeth into something a little easier on “the system”). Conclusion=still farting over here, though, sorry.
Thanks for reading this, and thanks for taking the time to select special food that can be digested by my incompetent body. As always I want to honor our profesh relaysh, so instead of grabbing you by the ears and embracing your head into the warm confines of my subtle bosom, I gave all your hugs to my boyfriend.
You still get some credit though.
Sincerely,
Kathleen
After writing this letter I had the following Gchat with my boyfriend:
Me: hey! the company got all this gluten free stuff and i just wanted to say thanks because i sort of associate gluten free with you now, no matter who buys it!
[Name Redacted for Identity Protection Purposes]: You’re my baby
me: I figure you get like a week of hugs
[NRIPP]: I’ma hug you good
[NRIPP]: Sugarbutt, will you send me a picture of your face?
[NRIPP]: I’m bored at the work
me: YOU BET I’LL SEND IT
Me: hey! the company got all this gluten free stuff and i just wanted to say thanks because i sort of associate gluten free with you now, no matter who buys it!
[Name Redacted for Identity Protection Purposes]: You’re my baby
me: I figure you get like a week of hugs
[NRIPP]: I’ma hug you good
[NRIPP]: Sugarbutt, will you send me a picture of your face?
[NRIPP]: I’m bored at the work
me: YOU BET I’LL SEND IT
*This is probably an opportunity for me to admit that, yes, my senior year of college I did actually shart on somebody’s white sofa chair. There was a lot of nervous laughter, even on my host’s part, but overall it was basically very bad. I had to spend the next few hours scrubbing everything including myself. Also it turns out that expensive sofa seat covers are pretty thick and take a really long time to dry when you’re using a hair dryer.
Moral of the story is that you should never assume a fart is a fart when you’re on someone else’s furniture, as the chance for miscalculation, no matter how small, exponentially outweighs any physical relief you may feel.
