The other day at work I sent my boyfriend some links via Gchat. This is how it went:
me: HONEY IT’S A HOLIDAY MIRACLE please feel free to order me as many autism passover baskets as you wish: http://www.gilbertsgourmetgoodies.com/
me: god these things look so good
me: i’m going to Eminem rap about how much i love you [[note: this was manipulative rapping done with the intent of receiving baked goods]]
me: bang bang shoot you in the face / my boyfriend’s a nice guy and very cool! / DO ALL THE DRUGS! DO ALL THE DRUGS! / I love [[Boyfriend’s name redacted for identity protection purposes]] !!
I didn’t want to be too pushy so I also sent my boyfriend some links to the incredibly expensive Gilt Taste Sweets Market (you know, Gilt: the same company that sells shoes and handbags for a reduced rate of like $2000). My reasoning was that I would either end up with a passover basket, or some designer CHOCOLATE FOOD GIVE ME CANDY CHOCOLATE I WANT, and that either way I’d soon be embracing my boyfriend with two plump arms, on the sofa obviously, because I’m now too fat to move.
Anyway, boyfriend was not at his Gchat but later responded with this adorably oblivious email:
Sweetie Pie! I got your love rap it made me so happy! You’re my wonderful baby! The chocolates look great. I love you.
Oh well. It’s more fun to eat surprises anyway! (That said, if you’ve ever eaten $89 worth of gluten-free pumpkin bread, please get in touch about guest blogging. I want to know how the diarrhea-prone royalty eats.)