Boyfriend Brings Home New Planet Off Grid Pale Ale, New Planet Tread Lightly Ale, and Green’s Dubbel Dark Ale: Gets Approx. 1 Bazillion Hugs and Funny Dance to Boot.
Read on.
1.) New Planet Off Grid Pale Ale
My first reaction = Quivering Lips and a No-No Thumb. After a few more sips, slightly buzzed, I reconsider with So-So Face and Iffy Hand. I then quickly revert back to my initial decision: that this beer tastes like sake spiked with dirt water.
1a.) Let me tell you a little about my relationship with sake:
Once, when I was in college, a friend of mine invited me to one of her sorority sister’s birthday parties at a sushi restaurant. (I didn’t know any of the other sorority sisters, really; as a freshman, I’d quickly been weeded out of their vetting process, which was held at a desert place, due to the fact that my arms were too full of free cake to shake anybody’s hand).
Anyway, the sorority lady whose birthday it was wanted us all to do sake bombs. I quietly informed the birthday girl that I was sorry, but could not partake, as the taste of sake alone would make me vomit. While not very self aware in many other respects, I knew enough to know that, while sake seemed exotic (foreign) and therefore very sophisticated, my face hated it. My face crinkled and spat at the mere thought of sake (which my stomach icily referred to as Rice Nightmare).
“You’re not even drunk yet, you’re not going to vomit,” the sorority lady countered. “Plus it’s my birthday and I don’t even know you and everyone else is doing it so come on.”
Won over by her logic, I banged my tiny fists upon the table in synch with the beautiful women around me and shouted the usual words. I then began to chug the combination of beer and sake and immediately vomited into my hand. The sorority sisters’ eyes got big. What followed was a chorus of frantic interior monologue (my hoping loudly that someone would hand me a paper towel), and the girls around me saying, in almost perfect unison, “EW, OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, QUIT, JUST QUIT, GO TO THE BATHROOM, OH MY GOD STOP, STOP JUST SITTING THERE FOR CRAP’S SAKE AND GO TO THE BATHROOM.”
Eventually I did go to the bathroom, where I crawled into the toilet and swam away to a better place.
(Who knows how much gluten had to do with this unfortunate spectacle, but the point is, I hate sake.)
I drink this and I think to myself: Yes. Except I am saying the Yes outloud and it is coming out like this: “Jayse.” Like how certain South American people say it when they are portrayed on sitcoms. And then I massage the beer bottle against my cheek like a tiny glass lover while giving it a thumbs up, because I really do like it so. And also I might be sort of drunk.
3.) New PlanetTread Lightly Ale IS TH;EA BEAS T6
I MEAN TEH BEST BER EAER
I LVOE IT
LAHV!!!!!!!1
