“Ever wanted to eat a chocolate fortune cookie? Only without the immediate cramping/poop urgency that comes from gluten-full products? YAY!” ~ a possible commercial I just wrote (gratis!!) for Schar Gluten Free Wheat Free Chocolate Dipped Cookies
The morning before my boyfriend brought me Schar Chocolate Dipped Cookies (Europe’s #1!), he’d emerged from his post-coffee congress with le toilette to find me (his beautiful, beautiful princess of a girlfriend) lying face down on the carpet, trying not to poop myself.
“Hey are you all right?” he asked.
“Out of my way, lover,” I whispered, rising shakily to my feet.
See I’d just eaten some delicious (non-dusty!) “gluten free” (though suspiciously bready!) little crumpets sold to us the day prior by some nice lady (witch?) in a van near the Sausalito ferry. She’d given them to us gratis by way of apology for not having any utensils, and had also sold us a bunch of delicious hummus and stuff for lunch. Anyway I’m pretty sure that even before she saw me using her business card as a spoon she’d decided to fuck with me.
Conclusion: do not buy sugary cookie bread balls from witches in Sausalito.
Anyway, Schar Chocolate Dipped Cookies are good! A little hard and stiff like tea cookies, though, so I suggest dunking them in something for softening purposes. But that’s only because I like my cookies extra mushy. (Back when I could eat gluten one of my favorite things in the world was Oreo Soup, which I invented by pouring myself a stout glass of cow’s milk and muddling in like 10-12 Oreos.)
Another cool thing about Schar Chocolate Dipped is that they taste exactly like chocolate fortune cookies (see complimentary copywriting for slam dunk commercial above). So if you’ve ever had a fortune cookie and thought to yourself, “I like this taste but I wish the consistency were more capable of chipping a tooth and also covered in chocolate” then these are the snacks for you.
Conclusion: one hug for boyfriend using both arms.