Bridal Shower! PS: I think I’m farting in this picture.
In an attempt to compete with Lesley, or perhaps because I’d recently come back from a bridal shower wherein I’d gone pseudo gluten-free and he had seen the consequences (read: inhuman amounts of farting and then me laughing at my own farts even more than usual because I was drunk), my boyfriend went on a gluten-free cookie shopping spree! Yay!
Below I have mercilessly ranked what was meant to be a sweet gift:
Nana’s No Gluten Chocolate Crunch Cookie
If gluten-free snacks are in and of themselves questionable, then diet gluten-free snacks are particularly abhorrent. Also, why do people even make nutritious cookies isn’t that what salads are for?
In case you need a more detailed exploration of how something devoid of both calories and gluten might taste, here’s a conversation that my boyfriend and I had about Nana’s Cookies:
Me: (Poking thoughtfully at cookie) I remember playing with cow shit once while I was little and it had this same appearance and consistency. (Shrugs) Well anyway let’s put it in our mouths.
(Both take bites of cookie and chew)
S: (Spits cookie into hand and flings it at the wall) There isn’t enough water in the world to erase that. You would have to drain the oceans.
Me: What is even in this? (Inspects package) Ugh, sweetened with fruit, what in God’s name does that mean?
For the record, my boyfriend would like me to emphasize that he would never have bought these cookies had he seen that instead of sugar they were sweetened with equal parts prune juice and banana peels from a dumpster.
Conclusion: Out of a scale of 1-10, this one gets a -50.
Liz Lovely Gluten Free Chocolate Fudge Cookies
Absolutely terrible, but it would be an insult to compare it to the prior.
This one at least has real sugar, and lots of it. It also has a cute story on the back about how Liz started making these cookies and her boyfriend thought they were so good that he convinced her to quit her job and do it full time!! So hopefully she’s on LinkedIn because these cookies taste like a ginger bread house that’s been locked in your damp attic for the past two years.
Conclusion: I would rather eat this pen.
Second to last:
Mariposa Truffle Fudge Brownie
I’m torn about Mariposa. I like the pretty butterflies on their logo, and the few times I’ve been at their bakery at the San Francisco Ferry Building tons of people are all lined up buying whole cakes and stuff, so it seems like if I don’t like them, I’m probably in the minority.
A few weeks ago, my boyfriend was sweet enough to buy me a bagel there, which was super exciting because it’d been like infinity bazillion years (five months) since I’d had a bagel and bagels used to be my favorite food (see below pictures for documentation of Mariposa bagel experience)
Boyfriend at Mariposa bakery stand thing at San Francisco Ferry Building. Important aspects of photo have been circled.
Me making the best of an okay situation.
Gluten-free bagel conclusion: the consistency was weird. Like, squishy/soggy, not to nitpick. And then this brownie comes along claiming to have truffle something in it, which is not something you lie about around me because I am like an actual pig when it comes to truffles. Like, I can smell them and want to dig them up and taste them, and if you are leading me around on a leash to help you get them because you’re some kind of truffle farmer, then by God I will eat them up until you hit me on the head with my own leash and rip them out from under my snout to sell for billions at the farmer’s market.
Anyway I tasted no truffles in this weird brownie. And I thought it tasted stale, too, with that distinct chalk stuff happening in my mouth afterward that is probably some combination of corn/rice substitute, or simply whatever poison they’ve started putting in gluten-free products to euthanize those of us who fart too much.
Let’s end on an up beat, shall we?
Wow Peanut Butter Cookies
Not just saying this to sound positive after hinting at a euthanasia plan targeted at gluten-free weaklings, but these are THE BEST COOKIES EVER, SERIOUSLY, HOLY JESUS, AND NOT EVEN IN A RELATIVE SENSE - I ATE THEM FIRST THING BEFORE ALL THE OTHER COOKIES AND SO HAD NOTHING BAD TO COMPARE THEM TO - OMG THEY TASTE LIKE REAL PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES, PACK THE CRUMBS BETWEEN MY TEETH AND LET CAVITIES GROW TO NESTLE THEM BECAUSE I WANT TO TASTE THEM FOREVER, I LOVE EVERYONE
Conclusion: I whispered thank you’s to my boyfriend from like this far away so that he could smell the peanut buttery goodness he had bought me but not gotten to try because I ate the whole thing in like five seconds.